Most Common Things Heard In The Radiology Department

Some of the most common things heard in the Radiology Department where I work, and my creative responses.

Patient: I left my prescription at home, no one told me to bring it
Reply in head: That's right. I must have started speaking Mandarin Chineese when I said, "Be sure to bring your script with you."

Patient: No one told me I wasn't supposed to eat.
Reply in head: Yup, when I said to "Fast after midnight" I ment do things quicker than you usually do.

Patient: My doctor said they were going to fax over my orders, why don't you have it?
Reply in head: Becasue they are big, fat liars? No actually I do have it, but I just don't like you and want to make this way harder than it has to be! (insert evil laugh)

Patient: Why don't YOU call my doctor's office?
Reply in head: Why don't you take this fork and go stick it in that wall socket over there?

Me on phone: Radiology, Tess, how can I help you?
Patient: Is this Pam?
Reply in head: Why yes it is! You are clearly too smart to fall for my clever ruse of using another name. Alert the CIA, we have their new recruit!!

Patient: I need to schedule a brain scan.
Reply in head: Yes that was obvious from the moment I answered the phone!

Me on phone: All our x-rays are done on a walk in basis.
Patient: So what's the best time to come in if I come tomorrow?
Reply in head: Well since my crystal ball is broken and my ESP doesn't work on people with no brain function...um...try between "I have no clue" and "Next to never"

Personal Favorite:
Me: (pointing down hall) Ok, you're going to go all the way down to the end of the hall. See where the sign hangs from the ceiling? Have a seat there in the waiting room.
Patient: (staring down hall at said sign) What does the sign say?
Reply in head: um...Sit you a** here??